Some Things I'll Never Know

Sometimes I just have one of these extreme moments of clarity, where there's this voice that came out of nowhere in my head and it's going THIS IS YOUR LIFE. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. 


My brain is telling me this because it's recognizing that I'm about to do something that is going to change my life. It's always something that I think is really small, and not that big of a deal. And then....THIS IS YOUR LIFE. And all of a sudden I catch up with myself and I can picture how this is going to impact my life in really big ways.

My heart was broken once. I did the only thing I knew how to do to save it. I pretended like the person who broke it wasn't real. I pretended that this person had never existed, never loved me, never touched me, never shared dreams with me, never made me feel safe and warm. My heart was shattered and I needed to convince myself that it was never really broken in the first place.

It wasn't until months after this that my brain started doing the THIS IS YOUR LIFE thing. I don't know if I made a mistake. I don't think I'll ever know. I pretended like the pain didn't exist and I cut a person out of my life, someone who doesn't ever want to be a part of my life in any way ever again. I don't know if this was the wrong decision. I just don't, and I might never know. But looking back on it made me realize that this is, in fact, my life. The decisions I make impact my future all the time. I can't just dance around making rash decisions all the time and thinking that I'll do things differently someday.

This is my life. Is this the way I want to live it? Is the kind of person I want to be? I can't regret the things I've already done, because they've made me who I am. Some of the decisions I made were hurtful, but I feel like a human again because of them. I feel whole. I don't know if this would have happened if I had done things differently, or if it would have happened more slowly.

There's so many things about the impacts I have on my own life that I will never know. But I guess I'm grateful that on some subconscious level I'm at least showing growth. I kind of feel like I want to thank my brain for adapting and yelling THIS IS YOUR LIFE at me all the time.