Sometimes I just have one of these extreme moments of clarity, where there's this voice that came out of nowhere in my head and it's going THIS IS YOUR LIFE. THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
My brain is telling me this because it's recognizing that I'm about to do something that is going to change my life. It's always something that I think is really small, and not that big of a deal. And then....THIS IS YOUR LIFE. And all of a sudden I catch up with myself and I can picture how this is going to impact my life in really big ways.
My heart was broken once. I did the only thing I knew how to do to save it. I pretended like the person who broke it wasn't real. I pretended that this person had never existed, never loved me, never touched me, never shared dreams with me, never made me feel safe and warm. My heart was shattered and I needed to convince myself that it was never really broken in the first place.
It wasn't until months after this that my brain started doing the THIS IS YOUR LIFE thing. I don't know if I made a mistake. I don't think I'll ever know. I pretended like the pain didn't exist and I cut a person out of my life, someone who doesn't ever want to be a part of my life in any way ever again. I don't know if this was the wrong decision. I just don't, and I might never know. But looking back on it made me realize that this is, in fact, my life. The decisions I make impact my future all the time. I can't just dance around making rash decisions all the time and thinking that I'll do things differently someday.
This is my life. Is this the way I want to live it? Is the kind of person I want to be? I can't regret the things I've already done, because they've made me who I am. Some of the decisions I made were hurtful, but I feel like a human again because of them. I feel whole. I don't know if this would have happened if I had done things differently, or if it would have happened more slowly.
There's so many things about the impacts I have on my own life that I will never know. But I guess I'm grateful that on some subconscious level I'm at least showing growth. I kind of feel like I want to thank my brain for adapting and yelling THIS IS YOUR LIFE at me all the time.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes exactly what you need is to cry.
You need to cry for the opportunities you missed. You need to cry for the people you love. Cry for the people you once loved. Cry for the things about your life that you can't change. Cry because you've been in pain. Cry because you feel alone. Cry because you've lost someone who didn't die. Cry because you have all of these happy memories that you don't know where to store in your heart. Cry because sometimes when you don't expect it a friend can touch you in the most unexpected way. Cry because sometimes somebody really needed you and you weren't there. Cry because you really needed someone and they weren't there. Cry because you have all of these love letters in a box under your bed and you spend your life pretending they're not there. Cry because somebody loved you even though they didn't have to. Cry because you loved someone and they lied to you. Cry because you realized you had the opportunity to be a good friend and you failed. Cry because you can't blame yourself for what someone did to you. Cry because you know you did what you knew in your heart to be right, and you still feel as if you failed. Cry because you don't know where you're going. Cry because you've spent so many nights driving to nowhere and wishing you knew why. Cry because you've kept quiet so many times when you were afraid of losing people that you love. Cry because despite the fact that you're happier than you used to be, you still feel broken.
Cry because no matter how broken everything is, you will wake up tomorrow and still feel hopeful.
You need to cry for the opportunities you missed. You need to cry for the people you love. Cry for the people you once loved. Cry for the things about your life that you can't change. Cry because you've been in pain. Cry because you feel alone. Cry because you've lost someone who didn't die. Cry because you have all of these happy memories that you don't know where to store in your heart. Cry because sometimes when you don't expect it a friend can touch you in the most unexpected way. Cry because sometimes somebody really needed you and you weren't there. Cry because you really needed someone and they weren't there. Cry because you have all of these love letters in a box under your bed and you spend your life pretending they're not there. Cry because somebody loved you even though they didn't have to. Cry because you loved someone and they lied to you. Cry because you realized you had the opportunity to be a good friend and you failed. Cry because you can't blame yourself for what someone did to you. Cry because you know you did what you knew in your heart to be right, and you still feel as if you failed. Cry because you don't know where you're going. Cry because you've spent so many nights driving to nowhere and wishing you knew why. Cry because you've kept quiet so many times when you were afraid of losing people that you love. Cry because despite the fact that you're happier than you used to be, you still feel broken.
Cry because no matter how broken everything is, you will wake up tomorrow and still feel hopeful.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
One of Those Moments
Do you ever have one of those moments where you realize you're thinking about your past so much and how it will affect your future, that you're missing all the absolutely BEAUTIFUL things that life is throwing at you right this minute?
I just did. Here's to living every minute of every day with enthusiasm.
I just did. Here's to living every minute of every day with enthusiasm.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Things I have Learned While Living in Missouri, Part 1
-Sometimes it will snow in March.
-A good pair of rubber boots are a great investment.
-I can tease my hair...and hey, it doesn't actually look bad!
-I'll only worry about calories in times of desperation. Usually eating whatever at the dining hall is edible is good enough.
-One of the most valuable lessons you learn in college is where your blackout point is.
-Sperry's are awesome shoes. They go with everything.
-Having a bottle of red wine in the fridge is always a good idea.
-2 a.m. Subway runs are nothing to be ashamed of.
-Everyone needs a favorite college girl blog. Unless of course you are not a college girl. That's just creepy.
-You don't need to go gaga every time you see a dog...but it's okay if you do. Just don't freak out it's owners.
-A good pair of rubber boots are a great investment.
-I can tease my hair...and hey, it doesn't actually look bad!
-I'll only worry about calories in times of desperation. Usually eating whatever at the dining hall is edible is good enough.
-One of the most valuable lessons you learn in college is where your blackout point is.
-Sperry's are awesome shoes. They go with everything.
-Having a bottle of red wine in the fridge is always a good idea.
-2 a.m. Subway runs are nothing to be ashamed of.
-Everyone needs a favorite college girl blog. Unless of course you are not a college girl. That's just creepy.
-You don't need to go gaga every time you see a dog...but it's okay if you do. Just don't freak out it's owners.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Men Have a Sixth Sense...No Really
And it's not one I like.
It's a new semester, a new me, and a new year! Yesterday I was walking to class on our first day back with a friend, and I was telling her how I really think this is a new start for me. It's the beginning of the life that I've always wished I could have, and now I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can start to appreciate what I have and love my life. I told her that I felt inexplicably happy and on top of the world!
Then he called.
It's something I thought about for WEEKS after we broke up...I dreamed about what the situation would be, that he'd beg me to come back, and I'd get to tell him that I'm just not interested anymore...and I would feel so empowered as a result! So of course, just when I had given up that fantasy and would never in a million years expect to hear my phone ring and see Mr. Ex's number pop up on the caller ID, it so happened. I freaked out and actually answered...what was said doesn't matter, but Mr. Ex was inebriated and I was not in the mood.
After a couple of minutes of processing the phone call, I started to get frustrated. Why do men always seem to know when their ex-girlfriends are moving on and then they try to move in and screw it up? It's just not fair.
I'm quite proud of the fact that after he called I did not try to contact him in any way. He sent me a text today, but it has gone unanswered on my end. I didn't let it ruin the plans I had for the night either, and I'm not letting it affect how I'm living my life from here on out.
I feel moved on. YAY!
It's a new semester, a new me, and a new year! Yesterday I was walking to class on our first day back with a friend, and I was telling her how I really think this is a new start for me. It's the beginning of the life that I've always wished I could have, and now I feel like I'm finally in a place where I can start to appreciate what I have and love my life. I told her that I felt inexplicably happy and on top of the world!
Then he called.
It's something I thought about for WEEKS after we broke up...I dreamed about what the situation would be, that he'd beg me to come back, and I'd get to tell him that I'm just not interested anymore...and I would feel so empowered as a result! So of course, just when I had given up that fantasy and would never in a million years expect to hear my phone ring and see Mr. Ex's number pop up on the caller ID, it so happened. I freaked out and actually answered...what was said doesn't matter, but Mr. Ex was inebriated and I was not in the mood.
After a couple of minutes of processing the phone call, I started to get frustrated. Why do men always seem to know when their ex-girlfriends are moving on and then they try to move in and screw it up? It's just not fair.
I'm quite proud of the fact that after he called I did not try to contact him in any way. He sent me a text today, but it has gone unanswered on my end. I didn't let it ruin the plans I had for the night either, and I'm not letting it affect how I'm living my life from here on out.
I feel moved on. YAY!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Hold It....
Recently I came to a very stunning realization, and I happened upon it totally unexpectedly.
Last month, I went through a really tough breakup. It was really devastating, although not totally surprising. Cheaters will be cheaters, and liars will be, well, liars. All in all, we had a good relationship while it lasted (before the cheating and the lying part of course...actually, somewhere in between the cheating and the lying it wasn't bad, but the uncovering of the lie sort of ruined it). It was simply time to let go and become the young, fun, love-my-life single girl that I know I can be, and should have allowed myself to become back in August.
Anyhow, I stumbled upon something that totally changed the way I viewed my breakup with Mr. Ex. I was finally in a place where I could respect him and what we had and move on. I was visiting my old high school and talking to a mutual friend of mine and Mr. Ex. The friend mentioned that the Ex had spoken briefly about our breakup with people who knew us both but wouldn't say much.
EXCUSE ME? He's not telling people that he cheated and lied? My head was spinning, and I wasn't sure what to make of this information. Okay, so Mr. Ex is letting people believe that I was this needy little princess who wouldn't let go...and maybe I had my moments of that exact syndrome (what girl wouldn't?!), but he's not informing people of the real reason that I decided his ass was better off kicked to the curb?
After a few moments of breathing deeply, I realized....of COURSE he's not telling his friends he cheated on me and lied to me. I wish he'd be honest so that I would be fairly represented, but that's my inner diva speaking. There's a part of me that wants everyone to know that HE'S the douchebag and I'm the innocent bystander, not the bratty princess.
I realized that in order to be the bigger man (woman?) in this situation, I need to....let go. Let Mr. Ex tell his friends what he wants. Now I did not even do anything close to cheating and lying, but it's not like we had a perfect relationship in the last few months before it ended. I'm at my new school now and I can finally leave high school and his lying ass behind me. And I can honestly say that I think I'm happier without him now.
Last month, I went through a really tough breakup. It was really devastating, although not totally surprising. Cheaters will be cheaters, and liars will be, well, liars. All in all, we had a good relationship while it lasted (before the cheating and the lying part of course...actually, somewhere in between the cheating and the lying it wasn't bad, but the uncovering of the lie sort of ruined it). It was simply time to let go and become the young, fun, love-my-life single girl that I know I can be, and should have allowed myself to become back in August.
Anyhow, I stumbled upon something that totally changed the way I viewed my breakup with Mr. Ex. I was finally in a place where I could respect him and what we had and move on. I was visiting my old high school and talking to a mutual friend of mine and Mr. Ex. The friend mentioned that the Ex had spoken briefly about our breakup with people who knew us both but wouldn't say much.
EXCUSE ME? He's not telling people that he cheated and lied? My head was spinning, and I wasn't sure what to make of this information. Okay, so Mr. Ex is letting people believe that I was this needy little princess who wouldn't let go...and maybe I had my moments of that exact syndrome (what girl wouldn't?!), but he's not informing people of the real reason that I decided his ass was better off kicked to the curb?
After a few moments of breathing deeply, I realized....of COURSE he's not telling his friends he cheated on me and lied to me. I wish he'd be honest so that I would be fairly represented, but that's my inner diva speaking. There's a part of me that wants everyone to know that HE'S the douchebag and I'm the innocent bystander, not the bratty princess.
I realized that in order to be the bigger man (woman?) in this situation, I need to....let go. Let Mr. Ex tell his friends what he wants. Now I did not even do anything close to cheating and lying, but it's not like we had a perfect relationship in the last few months before it ended. I'm at my new school now and I can finally leave high school and his lying ass behind me. And I can honestly say that I think I'm happier without him now.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
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